let it rain.

so that's the end of the 3 day break. was pretty fast but yep, there's still part 2 that i'm still looking forward to. which technically means i have to start chionging in my studies once again. haha!

met 2 close friends yesterday. apparently both have the same views about my views, and despite the carrot dangling in front of me, and despite me being a rabbit, the fact isn't really enticing to be exact. as mich mentioned aptly, i'm a carnivore, i don't eat too much veg. met jaslyn as well, and apparently the person i guessed was beside me at bukit batok that day was right. hahaha. oh wells.

i wish for a simple life. not a korean drama to be honest.

i'm still sorting out the sand in my life. while the pebbles slowly pile up, and i'll definitely make space for them. it's just the classification progress of the stones, pebbles, small rocks and sand that's a bit troublesome. especially when things are in the midst of black and white.

and i'm becoming increasingly evil in my thoughts. muahaha. i'm sure someone can testify to that.

i've been thinking through what you said. about making decisions and the things that change our lives. and the last song you sang that day. and the song i sang that day too. and i actually want to make the difference but i'm not too sure how. thanks for listening to my random rants though. i'll take your advice under my stride and sing these fleeting feelings away. while holding a piece of my sanity.

so here goes. well. like i mentioned, let's see how it turns out yea?

"we are all like apples, we have indentations at certain places and at the same time, we are smoother at others. it's up to others to see these indentations as positive working points and see the beauty within. either way, we are definitely unique and different from one another, but we maintain the same capacity and capability."

i'm now looking through my johari's window and question the bottom right corner. god knows you say...hmmm~ seeing through my 3 windows already, if you can see something that i can't, let me know. i'm really thankful to have someone like you as a friend.

either way, if the whole world had your character, it'll be screwed too. but in a different way i guess (: too many people like you will cause a brainstorm disaster, but probably in a nicer way haha!

the beehoon laughter.

well, it's the end of the 2 day holiday. *sobs* so soon?

but yep there's part 2 tmr fortunately, so no worries (: every ending is a new beginning, so there'll always be a next time in the future! (:

大年初一 was the routinely visits. actually most of the stuff is routine. other than the fact that over the years, we have made minor variations over time, so it's been a rather interesting yet sequential journey. my grandma looks better, although still wheelchair bound. either way, the smile on her face and the slight increase in blood pressure must mean that she was excited, or at least, happy to see all of us again. our usual family gatherings have been rather adhoc, and this routine is something that somehow, we all unanimously agree that must be compulsory and definite. at least once a year, we're all together (: when we share our laughs and joys, and our experiences in life, it's something that differs from norm yet with a tinge of similarity. which is pretty unique. either way, i love the company (:

the later part of the day was visiting my 2nd aunt's place, where we were served with almond pudding that evaded my toothpick not once nor twice, but EVERY TIME. darn it. ended up using my hands to prevent the mashed almond bits from following gravity to the marble floor. oh wells. the chrysanthenum was good though (: anyhow, before long, we landed up in vivocity once again for the steamboat shopping. this tradition started a long 3 years ago, where vivocity was first opened. my parents, being curious and everything, were astounded that Giant supermart was open on the first day of cny, and that sparked off the steamboat fest. well, it's something i'd embraced with open arms, where yisin will usually pop by as well to soak in the festivities. this year, we were astounded, not by the opening, but rather, the amazing crowd of foreign workers and a myraid of random people, whooping out their digital cameras and doing self portraits beside the fountain. anyhow, it was something that we were not used to, as we thought we were the ONLY ones who'll do shopping and come to vivocity to enjoy a cuppa nice coffee. okay not really, but the crowd was gigantous. simply put. yep.

so after searching for a seat at PCC (clarification, PACIFIC COFFEE COMPANY. for those who are wondering why there's this need for clarification, don't ask. you already have.), which ended us sunbathing and it took us a full 10 minutes for the 7 of us to find a sofa seat. ahh. the comfort of cushion to jeans was a desire for my aching legs, and with a ice hazelnut latte in hand, and 2 cheesecakes and a quiche, it was simply too atas for the me whose diet had been chicken rice and noodles for the past god-knows-when. and before we knew it, we headed off to giant for the shopping spree! (:

food selection was now different, with 2 more people to the crowd, we needed to plan for more stomachs. at times like these i wish there were standard packages, but the sorting out for nice bargains and fresh food was really enjoyable, as my mum and i tried to find the freshest salmon cuts, beef bits and cleanest mushrooms. it was fun i say, it was fun. haha.

by now you must have realised i've gone over my random word limit. so i shall limit myself to simple yet precise descriptions to suit you ailing tastebuds.

i realised my fellow cousin likes port a lot. i'll get him something when he ORDs (:

so yep, there goes the shopping, and on to home where the party began. tomyam + chicken broth yuan yang steamboat. with scallops, instant noodles, vegetables, beef, pork balls, chicken, toufu, salmon, fish balls, shitake mushrooms, semillion sauvignon blanc and 6 people. it's a pretty cosy environment, and if the aircon was turned on it'll have just been awesome. being energy conservative, and germ conservative, we decided against it. or rather that wasn't really a consideration as our stomachs overtook our brain's capacity to think otherwise.

so with wine and food in our stomachs, a radical idea of son+dad vs son+dad in mahjong was raised. and aptly taken up. and i realise how important home ground advantage is, even if it's just a psychological advantage, that was enough to steal home the win.

darn i'm writing this like a sports article lar.

in the end, winning isn't everything. it's about camaradrie and everything else. bleh.

that ended day 1.

oh ya.

forgot to mention about the eclipse. which was nothing without an x-ray film. i had to dig so hard to capture a shot, and here it is!

yepyep. chio right. haha.

it's empty at the moment by the way, if you're wondering if there's something wrong with your computer haha!

either way, day 2 came swiftly, and it was my maternal's side this time. missed the other cousin who's celebrating his anniversay now. i think. and they flew off to cambodia without inviting me! grrr...bo jio. haha! i'm planning to go back there again for footprints part 2, but yep subject to changes. if joanne/serene/jaslyn are reading this by any chance, yep i want to. and i'm planning to have a family gathering too haha! no lar. not really haha! (:

food's great, but i never have an answer to why people are so persistent sometimes about their own thoughts. either way, it's quite interesting yet surprising that even people within the same family and gender of different eras have their quirks and qualms, but in the end it all smooths out to a happy ending (: wine's pretty xiong, but my ah ma's picking it up on my bad influence. 1/2 a bottle everyday, pretty zai right? haha!

then it was to bugis for a temple visit and then starbucks for coffee/tea. the green tea soy latte is pretty awesome if i must say so myself, and they have too much spinach in their quiche. but it's the people that matter anw (: not long later, we headed down to tanjong pagar which is the highlight of the day. here, i'll dedicate 1 FULL paragraph to my dear cousin, wanxing. okay maybe 2. haha. if you're reading this, haha...it's chinese new year, go easy on me yea?

so our routine was dinner with porridge/bee hoon/other dishes/yusheng laid out on a long table that allows 20 people to surround it. either way, some might not be able to reach the table from the outside, and have to resort to sticking their hands with their chopsticks and attempting to reach for the yusheng. so i happen to be the latter, stuck outside while everyone was happily tossing the carrots and what nots in the air, so i attempted to stick my chopsticks in. naturally, it found a plate, and i started trying to lift it up, only to realise it was beehoon. gosh you can imagine the embarrassment i would've faced at that moment if not for my quick reflexes to pull out that pathetic pair of miniature horizontal wooden planks. so with that aside, i decided to put more effort in reaching for the yusheng and in the end, it did. so whee, throwing my luck around and wishings for the new year.

so with me being me, i decided to rant my thoughts out at the moment. was saying that it was pretty hard to reach in and i lou-ed the beehoon instead of the yusheng. and then everyone was stunned at first, then started laughing. haha natural reaction lar, i mean it'd have been rather stupid lar. haha! any ol' how, her laughter did not last just one, but 3 FULL MINUTES! i was looking at my watch, mind you. and thanks to her, bee hoon will never look the same again. haha my older couz was saying something about her visiting the mixed veg store in the morning and laughing out loud when they declared they had no more beehoon. or maybe "BEEHOON : LAUGHTER ON SIGHT" that kinda thing. haha! from today onwards, there shall be a new phrase added to my dictionary. it's called...*drum rolls*...

the beehoon laughter!
- the laughter that follows when beehoon is mentioned. a psychological syndrome due to an extremely stupid event of mismatched occurances, like tossing beehoon instead of yusheng in the air, or putting salt instead of sugar into a cup of coffee. it is still unknown how contagious the effects of the beehoon laughter is, although studies and experiments have shown that 75% of people aged over 10 have a high risk of suffering from this disease. it is ear-borne and is highly dangerous, as effects might last from 1 day to a lifetime. there is currently NO CURE, i repeat, NO CURE for this disease, so please, as far as possible, separate your beehoon from yusheng and other noodle like materials as a prevention.

woah, i even added new vocabulary. exquisite (: haha so that sums it up for the day itself. tmr's part 2. i miss you!

and i miss you too (:

it's been 10 years.

just had my traditional chinese new year breakfast with my parents. woots. i'm really looking forward to later, but just couldn't help but find myself stuck to the chair beside my macbookpro.

and if you're wondering, no, i'm not staying home. so many people to visit, and so many things to eat! wahaha!

but ya, here's just wishings for a peace in mind for the new year. every soothsayer says that it's bad for the wabbits this year. *sighs* but we shall see.

i don't really care actually. haha!

but anyway, just like the eclipse today, there seems to be a shrowding of my light as well.

we shall wait for the eclipse to end then. after that we'll see what happens.

-smiles-

and i just realised i've spent 10 years in this house in the west. woohoo! 2 more years to complete the full cycle. but yep, memories here are aplenty, and i don't really want to leave either. yepyep (:

happy chinese new year again (:

the new year.

whatever that happens from now starts on a new page. and that's why the new year is for, right?

uncertainties are still persistent. but yep, i think i've grasped hold of my thoughts and emotions. i think. i, just like you, can't stay stationary for too long. it'll stop the earth from moving.

meanwhile, to everyone out here, happy chinese new year! *ahem* to those people who still owe moi dollars and cents, please zhi dong yi dian. i'm also poor can...haha!

i remembered asking where do we go from here. but i realised now it doesn't really matter.

thanks

you always seem to cheer me up every time (: thanks for always being there. i shall dedicate this less emo entry to you haha! so no worries alright?

well, today was reunion dinner part 1. part 1 being my paternal side, so yea, it's quite a feat. usually we do it on the same day, but this year's different. splitting it up into two separate days allows me to spend more time individually with the different relatives i guess, and yea, i don't think my stomach can handle 2 dinners year after year, considering how adept my grandma is on stuffing me with food.

food's good. company's good. but i guess the migraine's coming back. had a rather interesting shopping trip with yisin...was pretty fun but tiring i suppose, as we tried to plow our way through the tons of clothes and jeans, just to find the right one. and i think i'm getting slightly more daring in dressing. i think (: following that we had a dessert break at shin kushiya...the ocha mochi, damn nice!! before you go thinking "waah so rich, can go shin kushiya for dessert", let me enlighten you on the fact that they're having this $5 offer from 2pm-6pm DAILY, which includes ANY dessert (on their menu, the cheapest was $4.80 and $8.80 on the other end) plus green tea. how good's that! and somemore it's premium ice cream + mochi...waah! haha!

meanwhile, while my router attempts to recover itself, and let me back on msn, someone keeps telling me about animal matings. NOTE: animal, not humans. if it were the latter it would be hilarious but rather pervertic, although i reckon animals do share similarities haha!

okay. my router's back. ttyl (:

curiousity killed the cat

or maybe it was the dogg.

but i'm just wondering, how are you feeling now?

i'm looking at the previous posts, emails and msn conversations. and yet i can't seem to find a tally in thoughts.

as i mentioned, i don't want it to otang over new year. and yes i still remember that stupid letter.

either way, i remember how it started. why it started.

let's end this game of charades.

*smiles*

the next lap

it's gonna be chinese new year soon! only 3 more days leh, can't you picture yourself getting all into the festivities? *smiles*

but yep, it all signals new beginnings! you never hear of people doing resolutions during chinese new year but NO! we must differ haha!

1. here's wishing all the best in health for the new year! especially that pub sec...you better recover! or else...*grrr*

2. prays for stronger friendships with the people i cherish (:

3. i'm not hoping for more money *nudges someone i might see tonight haha!* but may luck follow me this year! (:

4. clarity in thought, mind, and soul.

5. i'm not going to say world peace, dear. instead, i pray for care, acceptance and understanding. please, it's a small world, there's so much to gain in everyone's joy (:

so that's my 5 resoultions as of yet. it's the next lap already, don't you think? (:

*me and the chained princess*

what a write! haha!

wondering/wandering

thanks for yesterday. just a few rantings.
1. k for kampus krash!
2. that picture
3. your call

simple, sweet, special. i'm looking back at it now.

dogg, i'm looking back now. how now brown cow?

when the boat has supposed to have sunk and that was supposed to be it.

apparently the lifeboat took more than expected. *wonders*

perceptions, speculations and preconceptions.

"a penny for your thoughts
but a dollar for your insight
or a fortune for your disaster
and i'm just a painter and i'm drawing a blank"

"the truth hurts worse
than anything i can bring myself to do to you"

"i don't care what you think
as long as it's about me
the best of us can find happiness in misery"

hmmm. interesting lyrics. yepyep. that's all that's in my mind at the moment. especially the last one.

don't worry.

whee!

i can't wait for tomorrow! the feeling of exhilaration is somewhat unbearable! haha.

or is it a lingering feeling waiting to be relighted?

saa ne...doushiyo kana (:

but yep, let's let our hair down for a day. because it's something that we love to do anyway (:

tomorrow...

...is random wednesday! (:

a few interesting facts. 21 in fact.

these are the few random facts that i've gathered for this week. so yep please enjoy.

1. my standard of chinese is dropping! jialat. i can't even incorporate my words right.今天小明和小华决定去公园散布...probably around there. haha.

2. gastric cancer is hereditary. yikes. not that anyone in my family has the cancer, but the gastric portion. hmmm.

3. do not mess with soccer fans! honestly. you'll get burnt big time, especially if you're the opposing team.

4. cheering against the opposite team is actually cheering from their team. was proven after someone cheered against chelsea and they ended up scoring 1 minute later.

5. i'm having a passion in taking photos of people taking photos. basically the paparazzi of the paparazzi. sounds fun right? haha.

6. i love my birkenstocks. even though they are a bit hard, but it's thanks to you guys that i have them (:

7. i miss the doggs, the angel, and the random cousins. oh the hugging buddy too. not forgetting my mentee and the mortal who LOVES maggots. hmmm. oh and not forgetting the rest of them as well, the tree dancers, and the people from you-know-where.

8. i really want to get a dslr. but ya subject to money woes.

9. someone's really too reflective for his/her own good. but you're right, you're not wrong. (:

10. i actually miss diving, now that i think of it. being underwater provides a solace you wouldn't find on the ground. not to mention being able to play with sea cucumbers as well. mmhmmm.

11. farrer park, a place to visit if you have the time. interesting sights and sounds, and people too. but not for surveys bleh. shall bring my camera there someday.

12. i realise watching anime is not totally out of my life yet. i miss it actually. hmmm.

13. i hereby call wednesday the random day. that's that. and you know why (:

14. i have 4 8.30am lessons a week. a necessity to put am because someone mistook it for pm. hmmm. hope those people complaining about their bad schedule finally realise how lucky they are. or is it just me that's unlucky. hmmm.

15. chinese new year is coming in 1 week! woohoo!

16. then again, i still have a cough and sore throat. there goes my chinese new year goodies.

17. goodies don't include hongbaos k. haha tt's a different category altogether.

18. i can make it for the 31st! woots!

19. i want to go temple visiting someday. the buddha tooth temple (i'm not too sure what it's called but yep) is really interesting. and great architecture too so yep, one more thing to do.

20. many people are asking me to go to the zoo. i wonder why haha.

21. i haven't had alcohol for one month! even in pubs i drink green tea and coffee, what gives? haha but yep, no alcohol's good (:

psychological concepts

a short 1 minute burst of speech.

or words for that matter of fact.

well, i'm at a loss i suppose? in the midst of here but nowhere there.

i just want to say this though. i have no idea why.

sorry.

inherent need

i realise the inherent need for this space. the random outlet i'm seeking is somewhat here, and i guess it's something that i really enjoy.

"Describe your nonchalance, sian-ness and lethargic-ness (50marks)"

i love it. haha.

the open door

"the sweetest of memories"

a picture paints a thousand words. although 9 photographs do join into a picture, i'm sure it paints more than just a thousand.

if i could splash the paint all around my canvas of life, if i could just let it all out, till the very last drop.

how wonderful would that be? (:

it's occupying more than half of my board, but i guess it's something that occupies more than half my life at the same time.

well, it's time to carry on with life. these pictures, i'll keep.

these memories, i'll cherish (:

"i'll walk through, the open door,
without worry or regret,
leaving my current path,
but i'll never forget,

the times were a present,
but now they've past,
the memories however,
will definitely last."

whatever you think it is, it is. whatever you think it isn't, it isn't.

white spaces in denial.

it's just been 2 weeks since i've been back from Cambodia, and definitely the feeling still lingers. the thought of waking up early every morning, picking up the morning call and sleeping back again, and the feeling of doing project to the morning's end is still ringing in my mind. still, there's this sense of emptiness inside that doesn't seem to cease flight.

through the weeks i've been questioning myself, so what now? the journey has ended, and we're now splitting back into our various little paths. the things that we have done there have some questions in evaluation, but generally speaking the main question that's poking me is whether all this can be sustained. in particular, self sustainability.

ourselves, that is. many at times we will go to a country to see a reflection of ourselves in them, and then digging in further to see what we can do to further help ourselves. nevertheless, it's not easy. especially when you have so many things on your hand that's troubling and needs equal attention.

still, a few key areas of exploration will definitely proceed forth, and as our internal struggles and random melancholies feel the need to come to a consensus, we are actually on the process of improving ourselves. peace of mind is definitely something we seek, but is that something that will last forever? does it mean that once you have a peace of mind, that's it?

it's the challenges you face in life and how we deal with it. being pulled taut but not breaking. it's something that i'm trying to settle on my side as well. many at times, more often than not, it feels like the invisible strings are getting stronger and pulling harder. and that causes us to not be able to think in the right frame of mind. that's still an internal struggle i'm facing at the moment.

the internal struggles we all face are different, some find the need to be able to juggle school and work, while others find a balance between relationships and work. for me? juggling between all 3 of these is at the moment something i'm not really looking forward to. it's the critical decisions that make the difference. actually no, probably the smallest ones make the largest difference.

hormonal imbalances and random feelings. wonder if all enfj's feel the same way. i already know i'm unique and different, it's just a matter of how much more i want to be.

right?

*a blank piece of paper with a big cross in the centre. we always focus on the things that attract us, and it seems like the paper has been stained, but it's the white portions that we should explore on, once we know how to see things in a different angle*

aptly put. aptly put.

that is something i aim to see now.

looking further - revisted

the reason for your melancholy
the distrust in your heart
shows how strongly you feel
to not want to part

despite all uncertainties
say what you need to say
because i cannot give you an answer
but i can show you the way

i can't promise it'll be beautiful
i can't even promise it'll be sweet
but believe in yourself
not just your own heartbeat

hesitant you are
uncertain you might be
but there's nothing wrong with that
there's so much more to it for you to see

as much as my feelings go
i don't want it to smoke our path
they say love is blind
and they always want the final laugh

even though i'm afraid
i'm heading out into the blue
because i know i can't keep standing here
reaching out to you


this post was supposed to be released on 6th November 08. 8.22am. weirdly. haha. but now when i look at it, it's quite funny. how our paths have intertwined.

still, for those who know, good. for those who don't, now you do. this was 2 months ago.

with a different prospect in life, i'm going to head out into the open, and challenge my current state of values and perceptions.

we're doing something radical here aren't we? (:
our lives are like trees. we constantly require pruning and watering, letting us grow slowly but steadily. as we grow there'll be times where we are weathered, but if we persevere, we'll emerge stronger than ever. that's when we can bring new life into others. the people around us will serve as our pruners, but at the same time, we're shaping them as well. this interconnection is something truly amazing.

i'm glad our paths have intertwined. all of you. thanks for being there when i'm in need. and also to share my joys. thank you. footprints exco 08 rocks my socks!

unfortunate.

what might seem
to be normal and happy
might just be anomalous
pure sorrow and empty

the feel is different
the lethargic soul i feel
maybe times have changed
as rapidly as the morning dew

troubled and confused this soul i sense
what problems loom there
as the what you breathe out
becomes part of my air

i'm not sure how
i'm not sure what
but it just seems like
you've been torn apart

probably times have changed
the unquestionable concept of you
because what i see
is definitely, and unfortunately new

praying to the heavens
for you to be happy and free
back to the self you were
seemingly filled with happiness and glee


i remember writing this poem 3 years back. it's not applicable to me anymore. but i guess someone out there needs this more than i do. the solace i'm seeking at the moment is one of peace and stability, while the solace you are seeking is an answer to carry on. i'll pray for you.

and the many you's i've been praying for. take care yea?

stuff, stuffed, stuffy

there are so many things i want to do. but equally (if not more) things i need to do.

well. life is short. it's time to prioritize. and set some on the chopping block.

stuff - things to do are aplenty
stuffed - pulled from too many ends
stuffy - air in my room, and a constipated thought process

yep. that's the rough description. on a more optimistic and positive note,

stuff - things that are waiting to happen! cny woots!
stuffed - too much food from yesterday. stuffed with love too i suppose (:
stuffy - the weather's been hot today, but at least it's not raining! woohoo!

see how different these things can be? i think my brain's amazing haha! kidding lar.

anw, i remember clearly i didn't get to see the sunrise with you. i promise you, one day, i will. meanwhile you take care (:

and the whole lot of you too. the 5 people you meet in ntu, reminds me of the 5 people you meet in heaven.

actually i would've hoped both were equal. somehow.

angels and demons

i got to be a tourist in ntu for the first time yesterday. with a totally random group of people. haha! love you guys!

meanwhile i'm being pulled taut from many sides. my mind at the moment is uncertain. too many highlights, too many events, too many fleeting feelings, too many dreams.

still, i'm quite happy. (:

thank you for your sweetness. we didn't talk a lot but ya, the grassy plains would've explained everything underneath the sun (be it sunrise, or sunset).

freedom.

float

too much uncertainty, too many fleeting feelings, too many scattered emotions.

it's high time to settle down.

do i really know what i want?

all i request is nothing but a huge grass patch. with a notebook and pen. and my laptop beside me. and the most important of all.

time to think.

and probably a listening ear. that i can prod along the way, be quiet with, and trash out my random thoughts and feelings.

changing hearts, changing lives.

Hello! Happy 2009 to everyone! It's been a wild 2008, and i'm pretty sure 2009 will be a year to look forward to! Once again all the best wishes for the year ahead!

i'm just thinking on a little comment my dear friend made about MIA-ing on her, and then i thought, did i really MIA? haha~ it's been a rather interesting 2-3 weeks for me, and probably not simply described in just pictures or videos. despite a picture speaking a thousand words, i guess this time, it does not suffice. there have been a lot of learning points about life, about myself, and about personal relationships in general. it's quite surprising that the impact from this trip took on a different level than what i had experienced in maldives, but still, it's something to look forward to (: and i'm really glad i did.

my trip to cambodia, from a third party point of view, would be one to help the cambodians. planting fruit trees, giving out water filters, health education, earring making, youth leadership training, rubbish dump visit, children education, road filling, youth forums, christmas party. this is basically the sum of events that happened, but it merely describes the expedition from how it should look like. don't get me wrong here, these projects are IMPORTANT and REAL, and i think we have helped the cambodians, either in a physical sense or triggered a spark in them to aid themselves. i feel that we've done our fair share.

to me, the trip is not just helping the cambodians. i'm not too sure about you, but you probably have noticed how changed people who came back from OCIPs are. it's sad, in the extent that we need to see these kinda stuff to have an impact on us, and that is the only time where we will be able to open our hearts to these people. but judging from the environment most of us are brought up in, it's no surprise. my main point here is, when you attempt to help others who are in a lower state of living, you'll see how lucky you are, and how special our lives are. people often take for granted that we have clean water, clean air (i'm not kidding here. it's really important, a high number of us got sick after we visited the rubbish dump), and many little things that make up our daily lives. even the fan above our heads, the keyboard that we type with and the mouse you hold in your hand. each individual one of them are blessings that not everyone can receive. in this sense, we are actually really lucky, and we should be happy, right?

well, if you really thought about that question, and wondered to yourself, and if you did take some time to come to a solid conclusion, you'll realise that material needs aren't what makes us happy. we can be happy that we have our nice jackets, nice bags, or even a nice pencil, but we cannot be eternally happy with that. that doesn't suffice. and that will probably never suffice. however, we will (almost) always be happy when we meet our close friends, or just even thinking about them, and on top of all that, our parents. and so many relatives and cousins that you can count on.

the point i'm trying to make here is, in the end, it's the people that matter. we might have a lot of things, but are we really happy? many strive for material things, but like in the rubbish dump, are we actually seeking for rubbish? collecting rubbish all our lives, just to pile it up, and one day, realise "hey! i don't need all of this anymore!". again, i'm not saying that everything we have been buying, or collecting, till now, is rubbish. there'll definitely be things that are definite, things that are necessary, and things that we feel we need, or things that will just make us happy. we might deem this to be something important, but to different people, it's a luxury item.

even so, that's not the point. i guess what i realised is how much i cherished human relationships. to the extent that i could cry for someone wholeheartedly. i wasn't influenced or anything, but knowing that your tears are solely for that person, really made me happy. i'm someone who's not afraid to let my tears flow, nor am i shy or embarrassed on the fact. still, it made me realise how much i cherished this person, and how much i depended on this person. my views on what we've been through probably became distorted, and time didn't matter, because what i felt was real, and someone whom i could lay my life down for. that level of trust and faith didn't occur to me until then.

when i started reflecting this to my own life, all the people around me, i started putting people on the "emotional weighing scale". one by one, i wanted to see for myself, the people who i could put my life on the line. and it's interesting when you realise there's quite a number of people that you trust on that level. some higher, some lower, and definitely my parents are on the top of that list. it wasn't shocking nor surprising, it was just reassuring that my parents have played really a big role in my life. and i trust them to the extent that my life is worth more than theirs individually.

i guess then, at that point, i reflected on my behavior on treating people. have i made them feel cherished? loved? and did i try to reject their love from them? through the bonding sessions i realised how painful it was to love someone without getting anything back. it's not as though i have not felt it till date (this is not a confession, rather a reflection), but i realised how much i depended on love. and care. from the people around me, and also the world in general. think about it, have you ever stopped your parents from giving you a hug? if you have, why? did you feel uncomfortable with the feeling, or that you're just too old for it?

and then, think about the instances, where you had tried to hug your friends/girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancee/fiance (you get the drift) or even parents, and they rejected it from you. how did, or will you feel? if you're saying these two things are different, i'm telling you now that they're actually the same. when we reject love from someone, it will hurt.

but that shouldn't stop us from giving love. what if, one day, you realised, you're not going to live for much longer? what would you do? will you continue sorting out the rubbish that we've been in, or will you try to let others know how much we love them, and continue on with their lives? think about it. it could be a year later, it could be next month, or it could even be today. stop wondering in the "what ifs" and "i don't think it'll happen to me", because that's a presumption that we all live in. *live every day as if it's your last, and make the best out of it.* only then, can you be truly happy with your life.

of course i'm still not at that stage yet. i'm still learning, and going thru lots of emotional phases just like every teenager should. i'm just armed with a different insight, that's all. and i think it's high time for me to change in the way i live. if not now, then when? i'm really thankful for the people who have helped to put me on this trip (namely this dogg called jiacheng. haha! thanks a lot bro, words can't transcend what we've been thru, but we know right? (: ) and the people who have helped mould the trippers and I through this trip (namely liren/diana. thank you so much. you have no idea how it has impacted my life. or maybe you have haha!).

and to those who have celebrated my birthday, be it smashing shaving cream (sorry! k for kream!), candles, candlelights, or just a birthday message, thank you so much. it's been a rather wonderful 21st birthday for me, and i'm really thankful for all the light that you have brought into my life. thank you all, once again.

so for now, i shall go back and complete my articles, but i guess, i'm really happy at the moment. grinning to yourself sometimes from time to time is rather amusing, but fun if i might say so myself (: have a great year ahead people (:

tadaima. like finally.

well it's not like i've exactly been gone from hall during the hols. not totally.

but i shall just show, i'm finally back for good!

i envision myself getting slaughtered by a certain someone though.

~.~ back to work. it's tiring when you have so many things on hand with so little time.

but i'm happy. really (: