forget your inhibitions

well, it's the start of the week. tues. about a good 2 weeks exactly to exams *sighs* but i shan't falter. it's time to get a move on, which thankfully i am alr. at this pace, i hope to start on past yr papers next week, kinda late but well, tt's how it works.

yesterday was tiring i suppose. it marks the official end of effective comm, and i think i'm falling sick. i was barely audible to human hearing yesterday, could see the strained face on many people. but yea, 1 nap solved it all, and then the determination to study kicked in somehow. haha! not to forget i was constantly altering that application form due to a myriad of mistakes. after tt meeting, continued mugging and then went for a run, and a short movie screening of kung fu panda with me roomie (i kept typing hello panda at first, then realised, shucks. haha!)

say goodbye to 8.30 tuesdays WOOHOO! just woke up not too long ago, just because lab is over haha! and yea, it feels so much better when for the first tuesday, i can wake up later than my roomie. although he still has two other days to suan me. oh wells.

when we suddenly lose our motivation to do something, it simply happens because we limit ourselves to one expectation of that something.we start to do something, and that interests us simply because of that sole reason. when that sole reason ceases to exist, or seem impossible for us to reach, our motivation just fades.

however, we tend to only focus on this main motivational factor, rather than multitude of other reasons that make up why we do it. so, forget your inhibitions, break free from that reason, because some things, there simply isn't any logical reason for it. we just do it, because we like it, and feel like it.

and who knows, you might find something along the way, to push you even further than ever before.

thy, thee, thou

in the fields of escape
the solitude, apparent yet hidden
and the freedom of such space
is overwhelming, but welcome

when the wheels of dawn turn
and the doors open to thyself
an entrance shows itself
or is it merely an exit in disguise?

reins we keep on our mind
and dreams that restrict our heart
were self binding it seems
but pushes us to break out

when the seasons change
where the rainbow ends
who has the right to say
why things happen this way

with the scythe and the blade
and with the caring touch
let thou be freed once again
inspire thyself, cut thy chains

earth hour 2009

well, i'm finally back on my com, and must admit, it's been a rather fun 1 hour. if you haven't realised, it was earth hour singapore. 8.30-9.30pm today. the best part is, i managed to drag my parents into it and we had quite a fun time. some random facts on what happened during that 1 hour.

1. parent's story of their younger times, where there were communal toilets, no taps, etc.

2. realising my father is actually really hyperactive

3. candlelights are really nice. except sometimes too bright.

4. reminiscence on shadow puppetry with hands haha!

5. talking about how others will share this moment, and our future self earth hours.

6. reliving our experience of the massive cck blackout. i still remember that was at 12am, where the aircon was blowing out hot air. okay zilch air.

7. realising that bringing of such stuff like mugging materials in the dark is so no feasible. but yep, i tried okay.

8. my dad wants me to build a plane for him. and i wanted to build one on the spot but decided against it as it'll waste 1 useful colored paper haha!

9. green tea candles rock. the scent is awesome. maybe i should bring back to hall.

10. the meaning behind earth hour.

From the earth hour website:
This year, Earth Hour has been transformed into the world’s first global election, between Earth and global warming.

For the first time in history, people of all ages, nationalities, race and background have the opportunity to use their light switch as their vote – Switching off your lights is a vote for Earth, or leaving them on is a vote for global warming. WWF are urging the world to VOTE EARTH and reach the target of 1 billion votes, which will be presented to world leaders at the Global Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen 2009.

This meeting will determine official government policies to take action against global warming, which will replace the Kyoto Protocol. It is the chance for the people of the world to make their voice heard. Earth Hour began in Sydney in 2007, when 2.2 million homes and businesses switched off their lights for one hour. In 2008 the message had grown into a global sustainability movement, with 50 million people switching off their lights. Global landmarks such as the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, Rome’s Colosseum, the Sydney Opera House and the Coca Cola billboard in Times Square all stood in darkness.

In 2009, Earth Hour is being taken to the next level, with the goal of 1 billion people switching off their lights as part of a global vote. Unlike any election in history, it is not about what country you’re from, but instead, what planet you’re from. VOTE EARTH is a global call to action for every individual, every business, and every community. A call to stand up and take control over the future of our planet. Over 74 countries and territories have pledged their support to VOTE EARTH during Earth Hour 2009, and this number is growing everyday.

We all have a vote, and every single vote counts. Together we can take control of the future of our planet, for future generations.

VOTE EARTH by simply switching off your lights for one hour, and join the world for Earth Hour.

so yepyep. that's it. i love the earth, and so should you. it can be done in a few simple steps, simply by turning off your lights when you don't need it, or using Blackle (www.blackle.com) instead of Google, which is a black version of google. saves tt minute amount but in the long run, it can make a difference. so don't wait any further, the solution is easier than you think. be aware, do your part, help save the earth. not just for yourself, but for your friends, your family, and your future.

i've done it, and so can you (:

sooner or later.

the weekend's here! thank goodness, i've been looking forward to it since the week started lar. darn tiring and yea, hiccups here and there, but still trying to manage. for the first time in the week i managed to complete all my tuts in time, so that's quite a surprise. (:

and i think i really love psych. it's pretty darn fun to study, esp when your notes are multicolored. green, orange, black, grey, white, yellow. i like!

for once, i feel extremely motivated. but now the lethargy has taken over, so i shan't push myself any further. still, it has been an interesting week (:

always there. that's amazing (: the title of korean still goes to you though. proper handing over-taking over ceremony.

from me to you.

tired.

mentally/physically. my brain cells aren't working right. still here's something i came up with. for our launch.

i know.

starting from today, i shall vow to be more determined in everything.

my decisions, my motivation and my attitude.

it's time for a change. and it's time to change my life around. (:

real dreams, dreamy realities.

i think the past few days have been spent recovering my sleep debt. today was interesting tho. i decided i had to do this, because it's just so darn weird.

well, today seng and i were headed to lwn library to study after a horrendously cold effective comm tutorial. which somehow signals the end of our troubles *whee*. but ya, so i was darn tired after last night's supposed mugging. and when we finally found a table, i sat down and attempted to take out my notes when seng went out to buy something. knowing me, i set my alarm to 15 mins and attempted to take a power nap. it turned out anything but a power nap.

for those people who know me, yes, i have this ability to turn off alarms without me knowing it. and before long, the long sleep began. 2 hours break, fully utilised to recover my sleep debt.

and here's the weirdest thing. i had the weirdest dream.

a dream inside a dream.

okay the setting of this dream was exactly like reality. simply put, i dreamt i was sleeping on that table, first person, and i was dreaming about something i can't remember honestly. i mean, dreams in dreams are often rare right? then again, we can never underestimate the power of the mind.

back to the point, i woke up in that dream, and to the same setting. but instead of seng ee in front of me, the person was my fellow pub sec. jeanette (of all people haha!) was sitting in front of me reading a book which i'm not too sure of what content, but rather i was more surprised that she did not have her macbookpro with her. usually the case, but let's not digress further. wondering where seng went, i asked her and she told me he went for lessons already.

at that point i was like, eh? i checked my watch. it was still 1130 when maths 2 started at 1230, and the thing is, he didn't even need to attend the lecture, so why so early? so i picked my bag up, which was on the floor instead of my lap, and walked on. oh, apparently his bag was there too, so i picked it up and walked to LKC.

the walk there was terrible. i was in a semi alcohol-drug induced state, and i felt like i was stumbling from one side to the other. the best part was, everyone was looking at me. but i didn't feel much probably because i was really tired. so i continued waddling from side to side, until i reached LKC. a painful 50mins when i checked my watch.

here's the thing that deviated from norm then. LKC, instead of the two stairs by the sides, were replaced by two escalators. which was darn weird, considering they were straight, not L shaped or anything, unlike the original staircases. i was like, what the heck, i'm almost late for lessons, so i boarded the up escalator on the left and then i opened the door.

what i saw was a LT full of people. when i mean full, EVERY SINGLE SEAT WAS FULL. NO EMPTY SEATS. AND ALL THE HEADS SUDDENLY TURNED IN UNISON.

and i woke up.

to be truthful, i was so relieved to see seng ee in front of me. sense of reality and dreams are kinda mixed. i still wondered if i were dreaming.

you know what's the best part.

I THOUGHT THAT DREAM WAS REALITY!

considering i was wearing the same shirt, jeanette looked like herself (yepyep...and you had the cheek to msg me that. hahahahaha, well, you never know (: ), and the bag colors were the same, and the walk towards LKC was the same!

that must have been one of the most normal dreams i've had. too normal that i thought it was real. honestly. scary thought.

blending reality with dreams. not something i want to have everyday.

but i must admit it was fun (:

inside my heart

it's been a pretty tiring few days, but i guess it's almost all over. now's the collection process, recovery period.

whatever you call it. i just can't wait for it to be totally finished. i haven't thanked you properly yet actually, but yepyep. just hope you're alright too.

meanwhile it's time to get back on track. i can't afford to "chotto matte" anymore haha!

原来 爱经过了伤
会有让人勇敢的力量

the shutters of hope

i just wanted to say this before i headed into slumber. incoherent as it might be, but it's still something i want to say. not to get my mind clear, but if not now, then when right?

thank you so much for sweet messages. was rushing things when you popped by, and it immediately lit me up (yes, like a lightbulb haha!), and i must say i shared a tear for that one. even though it was just an ordinary message, it's still really special to me, so really, thank you once again. i promise i'll be stronger and happier for you, for you (pun intended). at the same time, i really hope you find your source of motivation back. be it screaming, or shouting, or just letting go for once, or if you just need a ear or someone to smack (i can remember the 'alba' smack haha!), i'm here aye? let's meet up soon yea? take care.

today was tiring, but pretty fun. i'm totally zombified atm, so shall take a quick nap before heading back to work.

i can't stop smiling now. haha!

sunrise. sunset.

a tiring week indeed. didn't manage to get my afternoon nap, and am a bit cranky at the moment. please inform me what are the chances of me running out of my room and screaming out loud.

and there are just so many things that are drastically overdue. and seems like there are so many things that are upcoming, that allows me to jump up and down without feeling guilty.

well. i hope you're okay (:

looking forward (:

fade.

if my skies become crimson
will you worry?
if my seas turn choppy
will you cry?
if my breeze becomes gale
will you falter?
if my seasons change
will you stay?

if all these were true
will you fade?

tired.

it was the first time i woke up with such apprehension and tiredness. totally exhausted. and when i woke up i found myself famished to the core. missed a lecture and tutorial. and body aches above all else.

attempting to shake the cobwebs outta my head at this moment and remembering maths 3. i think my body clock's seriously screwed.

jialat.

i shall tune it next week. to recover my lost glory haha!

*courage and optimism. guess they come hand in hand (:*

无与伦比的美丽

ohayogozaimasu. today is a point form day. i suppose.

1. the puppies are back! woohoo! at least something to entertain myself with at night (now now, not what you're thinking), and apparently people have this habit of naming puppies by batches. some variants, not breeds. hahaha maybe it's just me, but batches are associated with factory lines. but oh wells, it's the same anw (: either way, so cute! ohmygosh. i shall relight the passion to buy doggie biscuits.

2. today is random wednesday, yet i do not feel random enough. hmmm.

3. i still hope you're okay. although i must still say this, you're too optimistic for your own good sometimes. it's not bad, but it's surprising how i could've known someone like you (: epitome of optimism i say. keep your heart safe (:

4. it's a general consensus that last week was bad. for everyone. including adults, yesh. oh wells.

5. my vocabulary is surprisingly limited. maybe it's due to a lack of speech or interaction, but you can aptly realise the number of repeats in the entries i've made. maybe it's my style, but i'd like to learn more i guess? better that way, i need more content haha!

6. liverpool trashed real madrid 4-0 yesterday. what's the world coming to.

7. the blue shirt that i bought a while back is starting to grow tighter. does that mean i'm getting fatter? *wonders*

8. i'm going to the it show tmr. leaving school at 3.30pm, so yep. if anyone wants to tag along, lemme know, yepyep.

that is all.

the 5 love languages.

touch.
gifts.
words of affirmation.
acts of service.
quality time.

i wonder. you got me interested.

and a rather weird dream of some fat guy trying to chase me, which if my dreaming clock didn't tell me wrongly, was about 30 mins in length. so yep. was pretty darn scary. either way, i'm totally exhausted now. was surprisingly high throughout the whole day so yea, give me a bit of benefit of sleep yea? *yawns*

i remember during the haircut two days ago, one of the older hairstylists was telling the younger hairstylists 嫁给一个会对你好的人，不是一个需要一直对他好的人. somewhere along those lines. considering she has 4 kids and seems pretty happy always, i guess she got the former, which is a rather good deal i suppose (:

melody.

well, to the people whom i've not be talking to on msn, or those peeps who msged me but no reply, here's just a piece of apology for that. am currently rushing things out at the moment, but ya, please do know that i'm still here.

for now, i'm letting the melodies run my life. the strings or reeds of the very instruments that tell a story, and they are depicting a story. a random story run by random tunes. it's a rise and fall of falsettos, and the 4/4 bars that pass by, that sometimes switch between 100bpm and 200bpm without reason or break. and the staccatos and legatos, short bursts and breakless tunes. it's this randomness that, i guess, keeps me going.

meanwhile to you, thanks for caring. even though i'm fine, that message just made my day. and i must say that starting (hello boy) reminded me of my dad...haha he uses that to sms me from time to time. i'll be here, and you'll be there. (: thanks. for someone to be so optimistic at this point of time, and to care for someone at this point of time, really shows something. i'll pray for peace in your heart.

and despite all that. i'm really fine. it's just i need time to sort out the randomness in the previous week. as i mentioned, last week was emo week. again, no particular reason, but it's just the influx of hormones i suppose. here's something for you guys today. i think i'm on a 梁靜茹 streak, but yep, here's a song from her album which i really like as well. i guess it's something you need as well. but here goes.

梁靜茹 - 用力抱著
靜茹 & 情歌

我心里也有的忐忑 时间跟我说会好的
决心放好了 这一次非你不可
若这不是爱 那有过的是什么

寂寞时你像个贝壳
闭上眼 你倔强地摀住双耳
背对背地坐着 我们用沉默在拉扯
看谁的泪先输掉拔河

爱我时你不够严格
总忘了 能够牵手多么难得
我不怕生命有挫折 不怕回忆会有皱折
唯有你说要放弃 我不愿附和

你心里有多少忐忑 交给我去用力抱着
双手还有热 或许能唤起你的不舍
有一天我们伤的心会愈合

心里的忐忑 抱着慢慢就会好的
感动都有了 还有什么不认可
不准我们把爱 给走成了坎坷

多少恋人不费唇舌
在一起 却说服彼此不适合
我懂得生命有沼泽 懂得爱会失去光泽
只是在你怀里是 快乐的抉择

我心里也有的忐忑 曾经你也勇敢抱着
思念还有歌 唱着我无法对你割舍
相信我们伤的心会愈合

心里的忐忑 时间跟我说会好的
决心放好了 这一次非你不可
若这不是爱 那有过的是什么

indeed

with the value of our lives all resting in the palms of our hands, and the people surrounding us being the fuel for our inspiration, i guess we're the easiest to get hurt.

aren't we?

sad but true. as you mentioned, it is our fate. our strengths and our bane.

either way i hope you'll be okay.

but yep, that's just a reflection of what i need at the moment i suppose. thanks for letting me be there.

"we're looking up into the skies while being stuck on earth. and even when we're at two different places, at two different timezones, and at two different situations, you know i'm always here. why? we're stepping on the same earth, and looking at the same sky."

with every beat of my heart.

well. i guess through the day, the thought was still in mind. rather subtle, but i guess i know where it came from already. feeling better, but never knew how much i'd have been affected by it.

i guess it's the first time, something, out of the blue, had struck an important chord in my heart, resonating through the mind and simply harmonic. but painful.

it feels chronic for the first time though. either way, hopefully in 2 days, it'll all blow over. why it happened, i don't know.

especially when it's you i'm talking about. why has it chosen me, i'm not sure. why has it chosen you, that's the question.

either way, nothing ventured, nothing gained. i do not feel a loss but rather deceived by myself.

"the sunset that loomed over the evening sky had streaks of crimson, and as i sat by the beach with you, i knew it was never meant to be."

"with every beat of my heart, i tried to take the chance. the heart felt right, but the mind felt light."

"and the sudden halt of this beat, which was foreseen by many, gave an overwhelming feeling of solitary and boundless questioning."

"with every beat of my heart, i tried to forget this stance. the dream was real, but it felt so surreal."

"and the silence that proceeded forth with such magnitude and drive, only to realise that it was within thyself that silence lied."

"with every beat of my heart, i purged these nuances. the act was desired, but the soul was tired."

"with the end of the silence came a rebellion of thoughts. where the right were wrong, but the wrong stayed wrong."

"with every beat of my heart, i cleased thy mind. the thoughts were confused, and the uncertainty consumed."

"flying away to another haven, only to find a similar tavern. we seek to love, but averts our gloves."

"with every beat of my heart, i stretched our far. the strength was there, but it was never fair."

"jumping the cliffs and finding the path, seeking the truth and looking afar. it seemed nowhere here, nor there."

"with every beat of my heart, i let it go. it would be slow, but time will naturally flow."


if you still happen to pop by, and take a peek, and understand it at first sight, then i would have nothing to say but this : you are right in your own aspects, and you know me all too well. with this journal i signal the closure of that book. and the start of another. the colorful pages tempt me such contempt, but the pen smiles back, only with a vengence. but with these lines i write, and these thoughts penned, it will be a signal to you that the time has come. the time where the book will be passed to you, and then you'll what it means to me to be free. free to write, free to speak, and free to move.

hush now. it's the silence you want to hear.

well. just finished two quizzes. and on top of that, 1 psychological study, and miraculously, i managed to grab two 大嘴巴校园演唱会 tickets! thank goodness. i've only heard 3 of their songs for now, but yep think they're pretty good. and how often do you get to see 愛紗 in singapore. yep it's that jap girl who was on the road to fame in 超级星期天 who then turned singer. awesome! (: (: can't wait!

meanwhile this has been the song that has been playing over and over in my playlist. my fav at the moment. and a long while to come. if you do have the chance, go catch the MTV, it's pretty darn funny (: i <3 梁靜茹!

梁靜茹 - 沒有如果
专辑 － 靜茹 & 情歌

如果我说 爱我没有如果
错过就过 你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口
那是不是有一点弱

如果我说 爱我没有如果
真的爱我 就放手一搏
还想什么 还怕什么
快牵起我的手

有人说
世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死
而是我就站在你面前 你却不知道我爱你
我常说
如果人类连爱一个人都被自己绑住
那世界末日已来到
不需要等到地球毁灭掉的那天

如果我说 爱我没有如果
错过就过 你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口
那是不是有一点弱

如果我说 爱我没有如果
真的爱我 就放手一搏
还想什么 还怕什么
快牵起我的手

如果 如果 如果 如果 如果
最后变成如果 我也不能接受
错过 错过 错过 错过 错过
我比你更难过 不会一错再错
嗯 这次不要再轻易错过

我常说
如果人类连爱一个人都被自己绑住
那世界末日已来到
不需要等到地球毁灭掉的那天

别怕太快乐(别怕太快乐)
别怕失去我~~

如果我说 爱我没有如果
错过就过 你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口
那是不是有一点弱

如果我说 爱我没有如果
真的爱我 就放手一搏
还想什么 还怕什么
快牵起我的手

快牵起我的手

如果我说 爱我没有如果
错过就过 你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口
那是不是有一点弱

如果我说 爱我没有如果
真的爱我 就放手一搏
还想什么 还怕什么
快牵起我的手

如果我说 爱我没有如果
错过就过 你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口
那是不是有一点弱

如果我说 爱我没有如果
真的爱我 就放手一搏
还想什么 还怕什么
快牵起我的手

如果我说 爱我没有如果
错过就过 你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口
那是不是有一点弱

如果我说 爱我没有如果
真的爱我 就放手一搏
还想什么 还怕什么
快牵起我的手

the 'almost' wishes

at some point of time, simple words of hope, even on msn, not spoken, can trigger an overwhelming sense of sadness. i didn't know they really existed until today.

either way, i really wonder why i'm feeling this way. and i've been flipping through my iTune's library to find something to suit my mood. it's at times like these where even words can't express what's felt. but i guess this song hit me the most at the moment.

梁靜茹 & 盧廣仲 - 不是我不明白
专辑：亲亲 ／ 幸福的抉擇

不是我不明白
这样并不算太坏
懂得爱说来无奈
来自对你亏待
美可以掩埋
没对他坦白
你还在

会进来吗
你在送我回家我还在猜测
那都是真的吗
再见面前
一直想象还有某种关联
但客气是拒绝

新的朋友
不在终点
你的世界
我在对岸

不是我不明白
这样并不算太坏
能再次关怀
时间洗刷所有的不愉快
后来的爱
我们尝试去款待
懂得爱说来无奈
来自对你亏待
美可以掩埋
没对他坦白
你还在

没说分手
终于是能开玩笑的朋友
不是不难过
多少年了
我想过能和你一起老的
却都有别人了

新的朋友
不在终点
我的世界
你在对岸

不是我不明白
有些我没说出来
能再次关怀
时间洗刷所有的不愉快
后来的爱
我们尝试去款待
懂得爱说来无奈
来自对你亏待
美可以掩埋
没对他坦白
你还在

不是我不明白
说被爱并不应该
我们的关怀
像爱但又说不上爱
没有后来
我们才学会爱
但现在说来感慨
不是那个未来
我们说好的
不会更改的你会在

no one has done anything. no one's at fault. but i guess it might have been the coffee. still, it's quite the unbearable thought.

"brooding on all the what if's, nonexistant to begin with."

memories. painful, but over.

decided to be antisocial today. main reason being there are 2 tests tmr and i need my "me" time as well. that aside, today's random wednesday, so yea, need to coop up all of my randomness before i can expel it out.

*phew*

anyway, as i was tapaoing my food and walking back up to my room, the reading room was towards my left. reminded me of colors award last night and the funny foc video. msged mh just now (which i wanted to do yesterday but forgot...oops!).

at that point of time, tears threatened to flow. despite it being a happy scene, it reminded me of the whole chunk of times that has passed since then.

and that phone call.

but yep. it's all over. that moment has passed, and it's time to move on.

"we can only erase the pain if we look forward without regrets. what has happened then has happened, it's up to us to use what we have now, to make the difference."

it's just a reminder of how fragile i was, and could be.

let's move on.

sourcing.

back to late nights again, walking around aimlessly. still, something to remember.

i hope you find back your groove again.

meanwhile, a minute of prayer. but still, it's an interesting life. it's just how we take it.

cliche but true.

it's time for us to take the lead. let's make it happen.

2 months later, batam here we come! (: