light and fluffy time!

ah. i'm finally back to typing an entry over here. needless to say, time hasn't been exactly on my side, and i'm quite looking forward to a tentative end to this lifestyle.

the past week has been...extremely exhausting i suppose. passion run on sunday, followed by badminton on weds. and a lot of other stuff. i've been thru 3 short deflated trips, all 3 gradually increasing in magnitude to the point of numbness, and also a lot of in betweens. it felt like i was neither here nor there at some occasions.

at times when you reach out to the sky, wondering if all's worth it, and when the rain starts to pour in your face, that question mark somehow surfaces even more.

but i guess, no matter the weather, no matter the situation, we'll still try to reach out for the skies. if there is rain, there's always an umbrella. if there is sun, there's always sunblock.

i'm also trying to do what someone advised me to, but i guess it's hard. especially when times of the essence, and on top of that, it's really hard to coordinate.

but i'll keep trying.

recently, i feel i'm already closer to what i really want to reach.

from Yoko Hikasa's Fuwa Fuwa Time
OST K-ON!

もすこし勇気ふるって
自然に話せば
何かが変わるのかな？
そんな気するけど

（だけどそれが一番難しいのよ
話のきっかけとかどうしよ
てか段取り考えてる時点で全然自然じゃないよね
あぁもういいや寝ちゃお寝ちゃお寝ちゃおーっ！）

that's exactly how i feel now. i would say it's the current theme song at the moment (:

feeling much better

i felt like i just cleared another hurdle, and i'm now ready to move on to the next.

manchester doesn't seem that far anymore (:

at the seams.

i'm just exhausted. pure exhaustion.

but i think i can hang in a little longer. i can't remember a day where i've sat at home for more than 5 hours (excluding sleep time), and ya sleeping at 2am is so not helping my brain cells.

at the same time, i've never felt so committed for something before. it's something i can mould with my own hands, something that i can shape, and something worth my time and effort for.

maybe it's the cause i've been looking for all along.

but ya. i'm just tired ya. really. and hotmail not working is so not helping me atm.

okay. i'll go and try to complete my proposal. get a good sleep. wake up feeling better. and then ya, try to complete the other stuff as well.

i like my schedule actually. i dunno if this is considered extreme distraction haha, but ya i've had no time to think about many other issues which i wanna think abt.

life. as it is.

i like my life now actually. despite it being fast paced and tiring, it's just like one thing piling onto another. interviews are tiring + excessive travelling every single day, but yep, that's all in the name of passion i guess. it's the life i've been looking forward to. not just sitting home and watching anime but yea, heading out by my own sometimes, or with people who jio me out haha. sadly not enough time to jio people out now i suppose.

well. enough of it. i shall try to focus on what's necessay.

oh ya. angels and demons next week. i didn't forget. (:

woots. i can't wait for tomorrow. and the days to come (:

photo.trip

i must say, i totally had fun today. eating chapatti in little india, drinking chai tea in bugis and ribena at one raffles quay.

and tons lots of photos. (: was really fun, and i think i'm pretty much into it alr. i shall not complain of my lack of a dSLR at the moment, my canon S5IS has done well. *beams with exuberant pride*

and it has really allowed me to reflect on quite a number of things i suppose. haha playing with koi, seeing nature, and the balance between the concrete jungle, flora and fauna has somewhat spoken its message to me.

life is ever changing, and it is never constant. but as long as we were there, doing something that we really wanted to do, no matter what changes, we know we have still been there, done that, and that would suffice to push us further.

the knowledge itself is rather entertaining (: looking forward to the next photo trip! (:

drowning.

i kinda liked how things turned out today. haven't had such a wonderful time with my grandparents in quite a while. maybe it's because not everyone's around, and ya, people with busy schedules etc.

so yep. a few good things. here goes.

1. hayate no gotoku!! EP05 finally subbed
haha thank goodness! was awaiting it! like someone mentioned, it's probably the only anime other than K-ON! that's worth following at the moment. i'm planning to watch older series now actually (NANA, Zero no Tsukaima Princesses no Rondo) so yep. that settles one good thing. was quite an interesting episode about adding new stimulus into a relationship haha!

2. met up with my cousin for coffee
was quite some time since i had time to sit down at TCC with my cousin just over coffee. talking about our plans, and school life etc. considering we are in two different schools and different schedules, it's nice to sit down like this once in a while. talk about life and everything under the sun. too much russel peters tho haha! (: we're still on the same bandwidth, thank goodness! (:

3. mothers' day celebrations at jiajia's house
well, today was the mothers' day celebrations for my mom's side, so all my uncles came down to celebrate. had our traditional popiah eating sessions where we folded out own popiah (eh i'm good okay, next time i have faith in becoming a popiah seller haha), with kueh pai ti, prawns, bee hoon, sweet soup (tian tang how to translate), watermelon, and also the cake by zy n' i. oh, include a vin de pays red wine and palm alcohol (yesh, from cambodia alrite! 17%, actually quite nice!).

well, sadly, my dad's sick at the same time, so he couldn't go down. however, if someone can attempt to wake me up, go out of the house and come back safely in one piece, and eat his own breakfast, i think he's not totally sick. probably 50% ba, down with cough and flu, but ya i think he's getting better. i'm having a bit of sore throat actually, but ya should be fine by tmr.

also, i feel so hated today. i've no idea what i've done to deserve this. even as i tried to make up for a mistake that i didn't make, whatever mistake that is, it didn't work! why why why! i dunno what i did to her to be honest, neither do the rest know, but i guess it'll stay like this for some time. *sighs*

my niece ignores me! wa lao, K1 already ignoring me leh! damn sad lar! haha i thought it was just me, then i asked zhiyeu to try as well, didn't work. she'll avert our eyes every single time, and gets fidgety all of a sudden. basically, we put her to silent mode without doing really anything. i swear i didn't do anything other than sit down! I EVEN OFFERED HER A PIECE OF WATERMELON SHE WANTED WITH HER FAVORITE TOOTHPICK COLOR!

*hai*

oh wells, we came to the conclusion that she's afraid of teenage boys. females, nope, she responded well to my female cousin. *urgh* the world's so unfair lar. haha!

oh wells, tmr is to the temple. after that, to orchard and then city hall. need to get myself some strings to restring your guitar. and why is it with me in the end. haha! oh wells, i needa get a bag as well. tmr shall be a fun day i suppose.

but i know this week's going to be tiring. very.

but i'm really looking forward to it (:

my stories.

this week has been rather interesting. actually i just came back from ikea with my mum, altho it was totally horrendous. tiring, and quite crowded, i think i should seriously start thinking on how to design my room. if i have time that would be my masterpiece, or maybe think of how to paint the hall or one of my rooms. it's time for a change in color.

well, swine flu's (or influenze type A as they renamed) on the hype, which totally sucks. considering i'm really DYING to go overseas at the moment, it's just not the right time. well, i'm not blaming it on the pigs though, i rather stay healthy so bo pian ba. tt day mich and i were discussing how this world will end, and the volatility of the situation at current instant. rather scary isn't it? there's just so much we can do, but we can't change much. despite the power of humans, we can only shout as loud as a mouse when world issues come into play. now now, i'm not pessimistic, it's just that at times, you can't help by feel helpless. i can't complain because i don't know what to do about it, and at the same time we can only do so much to protect ourselves. but well, let's just do our small part yea? i'm sure the higher ups will have some kickass plan in hand.

they better.

haha! okay lar, enough with the seriousness. as today, i'll just talk about my stories. not the story of my life (probably a bit), but ya about my stories. the inspiration and the style of writing. i must admit at times i write too much crap but ya, it's still acceptable i suppose.

as you can see now, for those who have facebook, there are currently 3 active members of random.wednesday. well, that's a start, but i admit we're all busy and sometimes we can't think of topics so we'll just take turns. either way, random wednesday is basically a form of art for us, a channel of expressing our feelings about certain issues, no matter how random they are. one topic per wednesday, and then we'll finish within a time. this time limit is set so that the randomness can flow, rather than allowing us time to organise our thoughts and giving a GP A1 essay, but rather something interesting and our style as well.

well, it's been 16 weeks, and if you either ask mich or liren, or anyone who has read our posts, i think everyone would say "you guys are just crap lar." hahaha which is true, but i know people out there enjoy our posts. the inspiration to write started from a melancholic feeling that was surpressed which manifested itself, and soon we started writing like there was no tomorrow.

personally for me, writing has always been fun and enjoyable. even when i'm sad, i'll write. it makes me feel better, be it whether it is read or not. you know that you have let it out, be it to an imaginary audience or to a friend, or even to yourself when you aren't sure what you're really feeling. it doesn't have to be grammatically correct, nor does it have to be bombastic, just simple words of expression that denotes emotions at certain junctures, would help ease the pain.

and of course in times of happiness, it comes naturally. even when you're bored, it comes as well. when people ask where does your inspiration come from, it's kind of hard to answer. because when you shut yourself from everything else, and just relax, words will come to your mind and that allows you to join your thoughts with words.

well, we're in our 16th week now. i'll just show one of the writings here ba. from last week, a random song title, and inspired slightly by clannad (:

Lost My Music

"hey."

"hey. you are?"

"i don't know."

"oh you don't. eh?"

"yes, i don't."

this is a story of a boy with no name. a boy with no identity. and a world that is filled with hope. a world that is warm and happy. but in this world, there laid a legend. for one, who seeks the skies for love must pay the price, losing something that is most important to them.

that is a tradeoff that they had to live with.

in this town, the boy walked alone. with nothing to grab on, he survives day by day, walking the streets and playing nothing but his music.

it was a tiring job, if that was even considered one. despite walking alone, his songs were filled with love, and passion. he had no idea where he gathered it from, but it seemed to flow through him.

the streets he walked were filled with people who looked at him in awe, but none of them were courageous enough to approach him. due to his ability to touch other's hearts, people felt that they could not touch his. it was a selfish yet brutal truth that he knew, and yet, he continued singing those songs.

word spread across the town, a boy whose music had the power to inspire others. soon he had a decent group of followers. he knew of no such thing though, as he obliviously carried on singing his songs, just for the sake of singing.

he knew no such happiness. all he felt was a bit of happiness for merely singing, and was not aware of the people around. all along, he felt he was alone even when surrounded with people. he could not comprehend what people described his music as love. it was an emotion he felt he could not comprehend.

one day, as he was singing his songs, a girl in the audience started crying when he sung. surprised at her reaction, he continued singing. song after song, people listened in awe while she continued crying, even harder after each song. she stayed from the start, to the end, and before he knew it, he sung his last song.

as the crowd walked away, he looked at her, curious to why she felt differently to his music, which he himself did not understand. she looked up, and the pain etched immediately through his heart.

the tears continued to flow even though his songs had stopped. it felt as if something piercing had cut through her heart, and somehow, even if it were an inking, he felt that piercing thru his as well.

"why are you crying? are my songs bad?" he asked, again clueless.

she wiped her tears, and looked at him with those glistening eyes. it was as if time had stopped for that moment, and engulfed in whiteness. she raised her arms, and held his face.

"you poor soul. you have been trapped by your songs, haven't you?"

he looked at her, and wondered what she was talking about.

"these songs you write, are filled with so much happiness, yet you feel no joy. these songs you sing, seem to be filled by energy yet you are wandering aimlessly. does it hurt?"

those words, like sharpened daggers, felt like thousands of needles.

"you don't have to write them any more. it's okay now. it's okay not to love once in a while, and be loved."

tears started flowing down from his cheeks. after all, his songs were all he had. he had nothing else.

day in, day out, he had been absorbed in writing his songs such that he was lost in his music. a seemingly harmonious melody yet with staccattos and uncertainties. one that has a nice body, yet with no skeleton.

he looked at her, and realised all along, he had never felt so alone. yet, it was also the first time he felt someone reach out to him.

the mixed emotions, as if being blended, felt constipated and painful. yet, he knew, that her every single word was right.

he always walked alone, in fear of the disappearance of the people who walked with him. he always wrote songs, because he had nothing else to hold on if he didn't. and he continued singing, because his songs were all he had.

seemingly crying like he had never done before, he fell into the arms of the girl. screaming out loud, pounding his hands on the floor, he let out his innermost frustrations, and soon, he felt he was nothing but an empty shell.

"you've been lost in your music. you're at a loss in your music. you've lost your music."

and he knew she was right. he wanted to find love through his songs, but couldn't. he continued writing because he thought one day, it would occur to him. but no matter how hard he tried, it didn't. he decided to forget it altogether, and just continue writing his meaningless love songs.

"but don't worry. from today onwards, you will be able to find love. be it in the deepest corners, or be it in the darkest hours, you will find it."

"because i will be there for you. i've always listened to your music, and time after time i loved it. yet, there was nothing i could do for you."

those words of warmth were the first he had heard in his life. with that, she stretched out her hand.

"will you want me to help you find what you've been looking for?"

this warmth, and this hand, was something he was afraid off. he was afraid of failure. will he come back to this corner again? he was unsure.

"if you fail, i'll still be here for you. i promise."

"why? why all this for me? i barely know you!"

"but i know you. not just thru your songs, but through your feelings in your songs. the bleakness, and that emptiness, is what i want to fill. that courage that will allow you to carry on, is what i want to give you. because i love your songs. and i want you to find your passion back."

only then, he realised he had lost his music.

and realised how real love felt like.