the step.by.step

it's been a tough time i guess. with so many things happening, things threatening to break, and also other things starting, it's quite painful to think on what to focus on. either way, things are coming to an end, but that would signal a whole new beginning.

the departure would signal a new arrival. and thanks for breakfast (: it kinda cheered me up.

meanwhile, for you, i wouldn't force you to think certain thoughts. it's a natural process, and we can't forbid ourselves from thinking certain thoughts. sometimes, i have them too, so you're not alone. whether it is right or wrong is whether you act it out, which is a grey area that i dare not comment now. you make your own choice, and i'll watch from the background.

because life's a continuous process, but what we choose to act on now has effect on the future.

one is all, all is one.

i just have this urge to get this off my chest. on the late bus back one day, i met someone who scratched her hair vigorously until she looked like a monster, the same person who complained her boss owed her money, and another with an extremely loud ringtone but totally oblivious to it. pretty weird mix of people i must say.

step by step, we're moving closer. let things take flight.

rest.rest.

finally a legitimate reason to rest. not that i was looking forward to it because tt means cancellation of a lot of other activities which i really wanna do, but it just has to come down to this.

i shall enjoy the homebound life. at least before school starts (:

moments like these.

"after stopping by, i'll let go of my feathers by choice. i'll need to feel lighter to soar to different heights, but then again, less feathers means less lift.

i would say i made a wrong decision. that i acknowledge."

random.

it's the uprising of randomness! well, after all my migraines and headache's, i decided to go online to do some work before heading out for dinner. never did i expect a random skype discussion to lead to watching a movie two hours later. and never would i have expected to meet a familiar group of friends there either.

i feel no wonder that we're the founders of random wednesday haha! (: totally made my day.

that aside, my 1/4/7/* buttons of my cellphone are screwed. unless someone's willing to sponsor me an iPhone 3G S or HTC Touch Diamond II, you'll be receiving calls from me ba (: which i guess, was a good thing after all (:

lemme pray for tmr's competition. let's hope i survive. and oh, hope the meeting goes well too, seriously. i need to start ploughing the fields for more NGOs and whatnots.

sorry commitments, it's kind of selfish, but sadly, i'm just a small prawn in a big sea. no one's indispensable, it's just some things require more urgent attention than others so ya, really sorry about that.

and to the person who pungseh-ed me on monday, please contact me if you read this. yep orchard 12pm. hope you're alrite, honestly.

years of tears.

as we seek to find our futures, the tears that have accumulated till date have to be cleared. for us to move on, we need to face our past and walk without fear.

that, by itself, is the toughest thing to do.

*teardrop*

ouch.

today's the first day i took 2 driving lessons. apparently now i'm in stage two after 4 lessons which i have no idea what that means, but i know well enough that i can finally book my TP test. it's really fun actually, when you get hold of all the things you're supposed to look out for. when you pass by different areas, it's a different scenery you see, kind of refreshing. especially for someone who has lived and studied in this area, cruising through just gives you a rather nostalgic feeling.

that's just me, i guess. and swiss cottage looks so different from what it was before. some things change so fast, whereas others stay constant. like the bus stop with the small shelter, and the CDANs around the bend.

i've also been reminded how fragile life can be. when we all smile and laugh at each other, it doesn't mean that we aren't going through any sad portions of our life. it's just that we don't show it. justifies my reason why i keep asking "how are you" for many conversations, although it's a bit old, it helps me to check from time to time.

when things are so certain of staying constant, that's when uncertainty happens. i really don't know if i should trust my heart, trust my mind, or trust others at points like these, when all options look viable but there definitely is only one real choice.

many at times, we believe we're behind the wheel. it's safe, and you're in control. but then again, there are just so many dangers out there that we can't foresee, and you can't make an informed decision on whether to turn right or left, because neither's right nor wrong. and life, in all its certainty, does have a way of getting to you when you least expect it.

someone put it rather aptly. would you rather love and risk being hurt, or would you rather not love at all? that's if you have been hurt before previously. leading life, is indeed selfish. i thought i knew the answer clearly, but when i was prompted to answer, i really don't.

i'll pray for that person. you know what to do. i really don't know how i can help you, but again, i'll give you my ears for free.

breathless.

Verse 1
the voices that speak
can't fill up the silence
the hugs that follow
can't relight the brilliance

we're not together.
even thru clapsed hands
and the words you bring
will never make amends

Coda
i'm not pushing the blame on you
no, it takes both for this game for two
but we're already at the gates
and soon the chain breaks

Chorus
i want to scream your name
so hard till i'm breathless
to break this impending pause
so stagnant and restless

but we already know
what we want deep inside
so is this the end
when you're going to stay by his side

Verse 2
nothing to cover up
the mistakes you made
nothing to tear about
it's starting to fade

maybe it's just me
the character that i bring
but yet you took me in
or is it just to fit the ring?

i'm not saying who's right, who's wrong
yes, i know we've been through this before
but we're already at the gates
and now the chain breaks

Chorus
i want to scream your name
so hard till i'm breathless
to break this impending pause
so stagnant and restless

but we already know
what we want deep inside
so is this the end
when you're going to stay by her side

Bridge
was that something that you said?
but you were sure that i had swayed
and we continue to play this game
when it's ourselves to blame

Chorus
i want to scream your name
so hard till we're breathless
when we know we've faulted
yet continued our guesses

but now we know
what we want deep inside
so is this the end
or are you going to stay by my side

conclusions.

i would like to act tough for once, and stare blatantly into the open skies when the sun spreads its rays. defiant of blindness and fear, it is an attempt to fill this heart devoid of emotions with something real.

but as the darkness consumes, the light fades. it is logical, and it will continue to be. to feel in darkness, and to search for the light at the end of a tunnel, is something that we all long for. as we continue seeking for the light, we will never know how much darkness we'll pass through. how many tears which we'll shed, how many years which etches on our skin, and how many uncertainties faced that will challenge our beliefs, is something unknown.

as we continue to strive to seek for our own happiness, and continue to stretch our hands out to reach for it, we'll pass through sadness. someone who seems happy on the surface might actually be sad deep down, because they'll want to protect their loved ones and friends from troubles. what seems so might not be, but the converse might be true.

however, when someone breaks that barrier, to want to be reached out to, it is not weakness, but rather strength of wanting to carry on in life. because we know life as it is, perceived by many to be a labyrinth, while others say it's a journey full of stones.

life, has many definitions, but it definitely is an irony. we want to love because we want to be loved back. we want to hear because we want to be heard. of course, this is not valid for every scenario, but life's major decisions revolve around ironies.

at times, you'll be worried to stretch your hand, as it seems like we're prodding into someone's personal space, and at the same time, it might be something that hurts so deep that people can't imagine saying a word about it. i guess i'll never know when to stretch, and when not to.

but for laziness sake, i'll just stretch anyway. i'll bear the consequences later, but i believe nothing wrong can come out from something neutral. it's just wanting to reach out, that's all.

i've found my answer. and i guess i've found my reason to live my life accordingly.

it'll be hypocritical if i went back to my old ways. at the same time, i'm worried to move on. but it's a small step i'm taking now, that hopefully, will bring me to where i want to go.

shaken. stirred. strained

cocktails are a work of art, and with love and care for its ingredients, it can turn out to be wonderful concoction. however, as every cocktail requires different treatment, be it stirred, shaken, strained or burned, the passion of the bartender must be to treat these drinks not purely as drinks, but works of art.

that, is for a bartender.

for a chef, or some random person, who starts out by cooking for someone, when mixing these drinks, the feelings of the person must be inside. every cube of ice added, every drop of vermouth, and every glass chosen must suit the person's needs, and tailor made.

they say we can buy cocktail books but not the perfect tasting cocktail.

because we're all special in our own way. we taste differently, and we know what we're suited for.

i have no idea how i became so random, but yet again, surprise surprise!

it's time to re-read my previous poems. melancholic.

doki doki!

just cleaned up a bit and ready to head out for tuition, but ya, something compelled me to sit down to do this post. it's a norm i suppose, fleeting thoughts nowadays.

someone was asking me about dangerous thoughts, thoughts about possibilities and could-be wishes, and somehow i managed to think thru. after the whole thing, i started realising that i had fallen into that ring of dangerous thoughts as well. then again, i guess it's natural, because suppressing our thoughts does not mean abstinence from it totally.

i wonder where these thoughts will lead me though. as much as people are concerned about my future, i'm as concerned about the present.

and i guess at times like this, it's only natural to risk it all. besides, i have nothing to lose, do i?

when we take life at face value, and question how much happier we could've been due to a change in scenario, haven't we taken in account how happy we already are?

or is it that taking things at face value just doesn't make the cut?

questions like "what is better for me?", "is this my true happiness?", "is it better for others?" or even "is it the right choice?" don't have definite answers, because we can't judge the future, and neither are we time travelers.

i guess i'll continue to listen to my heart. because it's my life, and my heart yearns for it.

"at the crossroads, we wouldn't know what's best, but as long as we make a choice then that we feel best, our futures would probably understand."

"life is complicated, so stop simplifying it." is what someone mentioned, but can it also be phrased as "life is simple, so stop complicating it?"

what is simple? what is complicated? and what are these values that we hold dearly that make life what it is?

is there a clear yes or no? i don't know, and i'm not planning to find out. because i guess living life is not about the abstracts or the gist, but rather what we feel and what we think. i don't live by these rules or guides, but rather, i live by my heart and mind.

life is simple if you want it to be. life is complicated if you want it to be. but life, is what you lead yourself. the decisions you make are by your own, and you choose to walk your own path.

i guess for now, live life as it is, not for the moment, but for yourself as well, because you only get to live once (:

still standing, still surviving

ah thank goodness, i'm still surviving and standing. the usual me would be quite dead, but i guess i've been trained to the point where i can still walk. and thankfully tennis got canceled tonight, or i can't guarantee my own safety after that.

well, that being said, i find it surprising to say that i'm still adapting back to singapore. probably not used to the food yet but what the heck, i'm a singaporean and i should slide back to my original ways.

i just got bitten by umpteen mosquitoes and lost quite a bit of blood. the scars would justify everything, but well, it was an interesting journey. learnt lots of stuff about how people treat their afterlife, how they plan their burial grounds, the different calendars and the traditions, with a group of people that i've never met. okay not all haha.

remind me to make a trip to lim chu kang cemetery next time.

and i need to settle down already. like seriously. the mood's not there at the moment, but i guess i'll have to start soon.

chicken rice land

a 7 day tour overseas can lead you to some unknown inspiration. it's been extremely exciting i would say. in a land where lunch and dinner comprises of 8 dishes, 1 soup, fruits, 2 bottles of beer and a bottle of coke, chickens roam free and basically cars don't follow the traffic rules. a lotta first for me actually.

1. riding a bike with 2 others (so total 3, yepyep), with no helmet, in the rain
haha was a rather exciting experience. my aunt's relatives were sending us back to the hotel, so yea, because the car was full, we had to take the bike. halfway through, cutting through the jungles, it start pouring like there was no tomorrow. at first it was only a few drops, which followed by a drizzle, and finally a downpour as if the skies wanted to empty itself of water. was pretty fun to be honest (:

2. first major delay! getting stuck in an airport for 3 hours
and yes, we had cup noodles and ice tea for dinner, proudly served by the airport immigration staff. apparently my mum noticed some young guy checking out an ABC female, think i got my spy ability from her haha!

3. first tiger airline flight! sitting tiger air rocks!
personally i think we were really lucky. it was my first time sitting tiger (altho i had sat jetstar before) and their pilots are extremely skilled in navigating through thunderclouds. when you look out of the window and can't see the engine you could clearly see 15 minutes ago, you'll get scared, like seriously. but we arrived in one piece, perfect shape in fact (: it only rained after we taxied and stopped, thank goodness. i have one complain however. the chinese health authorities came on board to check our temperatures, and there was this overwhelmingly amazing smell, similar to what you ferment in the toilet for at least 2 days. i believe they were checking our urine/stool samples but yea, it was amazing. for that 30 minutes, we were desperately trying to keep our breath and not get a running nose in fear of being declared as a H1N1 carrier. so yea, that's my only qualm haha. oh ya, still no food and drinks for free, but you can bring some in from the 7-11 in the budget terminal.

4. first flight from budget terminal
the outside reminds me of Phnom Penh's airport, small, few counters etc. but the check in area was actually quite good. there's kopitiam (for those with kopitiam cards, here's where you weave it out), secret recipe, 7-11, your usual DFS for electronics, alcohol, gifts, apparels etc.

5. first week where i had coconut milk throughout for every meal
that's right, every meal. even breakfast, where your coffee's condensed milk is made of coconut, and coconut based soup. even coconut rice, coconut soup, coconut milk, coconut buns, coconut juice. i don't even know where to start to be honest.

6. first time you hear a lot of people talking to you in third person.
when i first heard my tour guide say "the tour guide will bring you to sanya" or "xiao wei will help you plan for the buses", i thought it was another person. until you start realising there's no one but him. that goes the same for all the coffee/coconut/tea/army museums that i visited. it was freakishly funny to the point that i wanted to start doing it myself.

7. first time you hear that army equipment can be used to make knives
and yes, that's totally true. the military explosive shells from artilleries, mortars and missiles have been remoulded into precision homebound equipment. and it is as it is, army quality, quick and effective. extremely effective, in fact. so effective, you can slice a piece of paper held vertically without any problems. so strong that even whacking it against a stell reinforced rod doesn't dent it. and so special that the army only produces 5000 "general" type knives, 3000 which are given to their own generals, so 2000 sold to public. oh ya, not forgetting the 5 blade electric razer which can be used as a propellor in water, and the fruit peeler which works in both directions and wouldn't break no matter how you step on it.

imagine if SAF picked up this idea. i'll be the first one to go omg.

8. first time you hear of a tea leaf that can be used continuously for one day (at very least)
if you only make three cups of tea a day, that SINGLE tea leaf can last you a week. and you dry it, and then drink it the next day. dry it again, drink it the next day and so on. i'm proving it at the moment, but its bitter taste lingers in your mouth like bittergourd even if you soak it for 1 minute. and yes, it's called ku ding cha.

9. first time you swear when you go shopping
why? imagine when they bring you to a coconut museum, telling you all about coconuts. that lasts 5 minutes. and then they bring you to this "warehouse" where they sell all their products. imagine the size of 1 basketball court, but you take 45 minutes to walk through it all. that's if you only stop at 30% of the places where their unexhaustible staff try to sell their goods. it's a freakin maze, where there's no direct path from point A to B, but rather, the Nokia Snake version where you have to cover every square inch of their complex. it's crazy, and at the end, there's always a summary of all the goods. at least twice. by the time you reach halfway, you start to understand that your basket is already full, and you're nowhere near the cashier. it's called forced marketting i tell you. it's extremely effective, but haha ethical or not, i leave it to you to decide haha!

oh, that's the same for the coffee factory, the tea factories and the gem factory. so ya, i think i missed out a few, but it's just really tiring.

10. first time you don't feel homesick
probably it's because my parents and family members were with me, but i felt that i could cope without any problems. in fact, very comfortably. it felt kinda like home already, considering that it's my third trip to china. even though hainan is essentially very different, their chinese culture is almost the same, so it felt quite okay. i was okay with the rural and urban areas, and more so in the farms. it's really quite a sight.

yep, that's my 10 firsts in hainan. of course i missed people back home, but ya, i've got gifts for you guys! thanks to the mazy shops, yepyep.

weird as it seems
you took it all
you're the kind of unknown
that made me fall

it's not an expectation
i know it's wrong
but with your invisible grasp
i've waited too long

maybe it's the word that gave it away
this lonesome fate
has now been recast with a spell
that no one can break
but you

cause the sun and the stars
all smile in your direction
and the cats and mice
play by your dictation
and the seas only flow
when you rock the land
and my heart only beats
when you hold my hand