trial after trial.

"as we seek our individual pursuits, it's the things back at home that still matter most. when the pictures shatter and hopes waver, we start to question our sacrifices that we've made in our search, and at the same time, give our time to the people that matter most to us.

maybe it's a time of realisation. when people are about to leave, maybe only then we'll understand why they were here to begin with."

early day.

yep my roomie's asleep. probably just, and i'm about to too. just had the inkling to go around blog spying and yea, it was quite amazing to see how some things have changed over the past few weeks.

meanwhile, if you're still reading this, i apologise for not keeping in touch. it's been a number of weeks since our last dinner, and yea, i really hope you're fine with all your papers! hope your dog's okay too haha! i know i got myself into this but ya, i really hope we can meet up one last time before i head off to the states, preferably before we end exams.

for old time's sake.

i remembered having this conversation with mich once, about how we view the past and how it both inhibits and pushes us to move on. i'll continue seeing shadows of memories when i walk past certain places, be it with different people or different timing, and that nostalgia just sits there and bites you.

"i see the images in my head and i rmb specific moments until sometimes it makes me ache inside cos i know tt tym will nv come again. and yet i smile cos the memory is just too sweet."

this message has still been in my sms inbox since then, as a clear reminder that i'm not alone, and at the same time, it's just us to be like that. i guess when we know that time has past, at least we know that we had a past like that. and we've lived that happy memory with us in it, not others. it might hold us back, but it wouldn't prevent us from making more happy memories will it? (:

it's been tough. tiring. trying. and to say the least, stressful. but i'm fine (: i've gotten things settled, and am feeling slightly balanced now. there have been changes to my plans, but i know i have them in my stride.

and even though every day nears to the imminent date, i'll continue to smile. or try at least. because that's the very best i can do at the moment to keep me sane and all.

the first paper

well, today's going to be the first paper. i'm prepared yet unprepared, but oh wells i'll just head in with what i have and i should be fine.

i wonder how things will go from here. a lil shady on the edges, so i guess i can't predict everything as well, as i'd love to have done in the past.

a random discussion.

so finally, we have come up with our new found chinese-translated english names. i'll just say out your names and acknowledge!

pear + orange!
heart zero!
orange real moon!
knows chess!
smells oyster!
rain straight!
match coral!

okay that was amidst a really random chat about msn nicknames. haha! ippt part 2!

hone none <-(basically it's h.one n.one)

today was my team's pre-trip activity. haven't had a WINGS activity for quite a long time but yea, it was quite the trip. it was simply a trip towards NEWater at Bedok, pretty darn simple.

well, i need to hone up my children bringing skills.

people running across the NEWater plant, spraying water around, and us trying to play catch with them. i tell you, it was a sight to open your mouth in awe. i think i've never been so physically tested when dealing with kids for quite some time, and makes my little niece look like such an angel.

but well, i suppose that's a takeaway point. there were times where i wanted to shout, and maybe it was to the point where i felt like going up to them and just telling them off. well, i'm surprised i managed to control it, despite several times where i had to catch few buggers to put them back into place. 24 children isn't easy, and with a team size of 15, it might be hard to manage all but i suppose it could've been done better. then again, i bet maybe half the team didn't have the experience dealing with children at their age and such quantity (notice i use the word quantity instead of numbers), so i suppose they're as forgiven as i am.

there were moments where i would stand in awe though. there was one particular kid who was drawing the esplanade with shadows which i had to fall head over heels for. at the same time, there were 3 who were desperately trying to break and exhibit, whom i was gently reminded that the exhibit was not made child-proof. and there would be instances where you see such enthusiasm in their eyes and wanting to win a prize. that fire, somehow burned with such youth yet such ferocity, that made me think of me in their years. i guess then i wasn't so hungry for success, nor was i the most enthusiastic student, sitting there and being myself together with a small group of close friends. and that was then.

my primary school life wasn't the most fantastic. no doubt, i was a student leader (whose job, to me at that point, was just to stop people from running at the corridor) and a prefect (which coincidentally, marked my first time going up to stage to say the commands. oh, confiscating their digimons as well). i wasn't the top few in my class, but i was in the best EM2 class. as i was wondering to myself how to just be a normal student, a couple of friends came along whom till date, are still my friends. in those times, we'll have lunch together, tour the school together, visit each other's houses and live like what a student should : enjoying the student life.

many at times, i look back then and i think "what a carefree moment", and then i suddenly realise "hey, i was carefree, but was it fulfilling?" now when i think back, nothing much progressed for myself per se during that period. i felt like i was the same student in primary 1 till primary 6, i never really changed! but well, come secondary school, change was imminent. i suppose i had to in order to survive the course, but yep a lot of things change. it definitely did. i'll always remember carrying the beach umbrella out of school on a rainy day, how i was a young little kid who didn't know drawing on the table was bad, and playing soccer in the rain. i wasn't the perfect student, nor the person who'd listen to everything and follow without question, and somehow, i felt that was who i wanted to be.

i wanted to choose what i want to believe, what i want to do, and i know that even though i can accommodate sometimes, it would be impossible for me to follow through something that i didn't feel for. it was then, i knew, my life is controlled by me, and i would try anything fun, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, break any ethics or reduce morals to dust.

well, i'll continue to smile for those instances. after all, they have made up my life, so yep on that sidenote, i thought i'll try my best to make it fun yet safe for those kids. even though it wasn't a 100% well done job, i guess i tried hard enough. and with that thought, i just did what i did.

oh. i went for H1N1 jab today. it's okay lar, just that my hand's still a little numb as of yet. and it's time for me to start counting down my official days in NTU till exchange.

in 3 weeks, i'll be outta there. so soon. outta hall more or less for good, and outta NTU for 6 months. i know i'll miss quite a bit of people, especially the people whom i've gotten closer to the past few weeks, especially so the past week (: it's been really fun, honestly (:

and then yep, life will change. once again. the timing, and the groove would be extremely different, yet i guess it's this life that i want to yearn for. at least for now.

back to circuits. and yes it still hurts. roomie i'll be back tmr, so take care till then k!

justified (:

i realise why i chose japanese music over others. their lyrics are ever so beautiful, even when translated (: and her voice is just so soothing as always! (: (:




坂本真綾 (Sakamoto Maaya) - マジックナンバー (Magic Number)
OST こばと (Kobato)

どうすればいいんだっけ？
当たり前のことっていつも
難しいな
嬉しいとき笑って
好きなときに歌いたいだけ
なのに･･･

いつか願いは叶うと
でもいつかってどれくらい？
待ちきれないよ

1,2,3の合図で
両手広げて
前進に光を集めて
どこにあるの？
教えて私にできること

目一杯傷ついて
精一杯走って
何十回転んで泣いて
それでもまたあきれるくらい
明日を信じてる

一人になりたくって
少しだけ遠回りした
帰りの道
合いたい人の顔
いくつか浮かんで雲の中に
消えた･･･

あの日交わしたた言葉が
今頃すっと
染みこんで
少し痛いよ

1,2,3一つずつ
扉叩いて
もう一回胸に問いかけて
探してるの
本当に私がしたいこと

目一杯背伸びした
反動でよろけて
何十回振り出しに戻って
クタクタでも
そんな自分も
好きでいてあげたい

苦しくって 苦しくって
息ができなくなるときも
止まれない 止まりたくない
全部見届けるまで

1,2,3の合図で
空を見上げて
同じ星君も見てて
感じてるよ
一人だけど一人じゃないって

目一杯傷ついて
精一杯走って
何十回転んで泣いて
それでもまた
あきれるくらい
明日を信じてる

~~Translation~~

What should I do, hm?
The 'normal things' are always difficult
I just laugh when I'm happy
And I want to sing whenever I like, but-

"Someday your wish will be fulfilled"
But how far away is 'someday'?
I can't wait too long

On the count of 1 2 3! I spread out my hands and collect light over my entire body
Where is it? Tell me, what I can do
I get hurt in full force, I run with all my might
I trip more than ten times and cry; nevertheless, I still
Believe in tomorrow, amazingly

I wanted to be alone
So I just took a slight detour on my way home
The face of the one who I want to see
Appeared in my mind for a few times, then vanished in the clouds

The words we exchanged on that day
Sink straight in now
And they hurt a little

1 2 3! I knock on the doors one by one and ask my heart once more
I'm searching for what I really want to do
I overreached at full force, so I stagger in recoil
And I go back to the start more than ten times, even if I get worn out
I want to love that sort of me, too

Even when it's suffocating, suffocating
And I can't breathe
I can't stop, I don't want to stop, until I see everything to its end

On the count of 1 2 3! I look up at the sky and you're looking at the same star, too
I feel it, that 'I'm alone, yet I'm not alone'
I get hurt in full force, I run with all my might
I trip more than ten times and cry; nevertheless, I still
Believe in tomorrow, amazingly

failure is necessary (:

and yes, presenting the results from the IPPT, i failed! yep no excuses, didn't train properly, but my shoes had no soles (close to zilch at least) so thus came the failure from shuttle run. the first time. but well, yea i know what i need to do now, and i'll be doing it (:

dinner today was rather interesting. or fun, aptly put. i guess for once, there's someone that i can talk to non-stop for such a long time haha! i guess we do share difference experiences, but it all amounts to the same thing. if you haven't realised already, personality wise, we aren't that different. and i finally meet someone with 'gifts' as a love language at long last! (:

life is full of colorful moments, and even if the petals start to fall slowly, we know that a bigger flower is about to bloom. it might be painful to forgive and let go, but it has to be done before a new flower emerges. after all, we're all human, we'll never give up but still keep walking forward. even if we fall, we know we'll have to walk again.

and the time when we start walking the fastest is directly after we fall. so it's about time to speed up the pace.

i'm both the apple and the harvester. i'm both the seed and the fruit. i'm both the chooser and the giver.

but i guess i tend to be the latter most of the time. just because i like it and you can't do anything about it :p

despite how multi-faceted we are, it's just difference faces we are putting on. different masks we don to protect ourselves, or rather confusing others from our true personality. at the same time, seeing different sides does mean that we are flexible and able to change. a person who does unbelievably stupid things might actually be the most serious person on earth.

and we'll continue to show these few faces to the ones we trust and truly care about. because we want them to know all about us (: that's how human relationships are built, and that's how we're going to move on.

even as we remain immobile and emo, we know that we'll have to emerge someday. we can't deny our thoughts and emotions, and these are things we cannot forget. humans are built such that we absorb every piece of new information, and we cannot force ourselves not to think any thoughts. trying not to think about those thoughts allows you to think of them even more, so basically suppression of one's thoughts doesn't mean it doesn't exist. it's how we take them in our stride and move on.

so don't worry, i'll be fine with those thoughts, and it's a process that i have to go through. maybe i'll tear on some days, or let them roll over me, but i'll be fine at the end of the day. don't worry k?

the skies are looking more beautiful for me already, is it for you? i hope it is :)

meanwhile jess, JIAYOU FOR YOUR EXAMS K! IF YOU'RE STILL SPYING, GO STUDY PLS! haha!

run along now.

seems like i've come to the state where i've become incapable of waking up on time. which is kind of sad, considering that it's close to exam period.

literally, it's a 'wake up call'. hai.

but let's put that away for the moment. it's only 11.40am in the morning and it's not past noon! so in a way, i should be thankful that i still have half a day left (thankfully). okay minus IPPT later (which i wonder if i'm still in the right state of mind to take) and collection of my acceptance package later at the IRO office (which i'm really happy about, i wanna see what they've written inside!) and also dinner (yays!) and lunch (yes, solo but ya, i still need time right), it doesn't seem i have that much time left.

i realised i might have settled quite a bit of stuff yesterday. non-school sadly, other than matlab. and yep, quite a bit of interesting conversations despite being incapacitated by a disease that's most common with someone who has sinus. it's okay now, but still having a tad of headache. and am going to click the button to submit matlab.

meanwhile, i might just do one more random wednesday post before i totally disappear off that area. i miss writing those notes on facebook actually, brings back really happy memories in the duration of writing.

okay. finally getting back my groove. take care people!

state statement stated.

"in the midst of conversation devoid of norms, a statement stopped time for that moment. as i wandered through my mind for the source of this pause, i realised the people dearest to me will forever be the very people who have stood there till this date.

in came the pouring emotions and out came the tears. with every further thought of every detail of that future, i knew there was only one thing to do.

for that moment, i'll stop time and freeze the world in its tracks. while everything continues to revolve in my absence, this portal would consist of these people who have held that candle of hope till date.

and as it swirls like a whirlpool, i'll soak in everything that was meant to be taken away in my heart, lock them tight, and walk away.

and after that moment has past, the time continuum continues, and i know that i'll be safe with those feelings."